Dear Mom

As read to her body covered in flowers, 8 feet under, at her green burial on Apr 4

It was supposed to rain today at your burial, which you’d hate. You always checked your phone app for the weather, and always complained that it was wrong. And then checked it again. As verification of your theory, the sun came out, over this patch of earth, your last opportunity to catch the rays.

I understand why in Greek tragedies, when they lose someone beloved, they tear their hair out. How to match that hurt?

During your quick illness, we got training in how to meet hurt with total love. In you, in ourselves, in others.

Don’t worry: I threw in the piles of end-of-life laundry, right after they took your body out of the home, stiff and wrapped in a brand new linen sheet, champion swaddled by my swaddle-boss husband. Honestly it was the best wrapping job our don’t-care-too-much-about-appearance family has ever done.

Honouring your gastronomic legacy, we’ll also make sure the cheese “warms up” before we serve it at the shiva. “Everything better at room temp!” you always said. And now you are “room temp” too— your temperament matching earth. You didn’t like being cold, and you didn’t think food should have to suffer that either.

When I told you, when you were so sick, while holding your beautiful hand- my lifeline in my first month’s of life—that I would let you go when you were ready, I also told you I knew where to find you. Even though it is not a “where” in the strictly grammatical sense.

You said, “Well, if I could just hold your land like this forever….”

We agree there was no logical way to finish that sentence.

How I wish. Can you find comfort in an ethereal hand? I memorized the contours with my own, as a newborn does instinctively.

Of all your quirks, values and principles, and particular way of being such a good person and citizen, I most want to thank you for the completely accepting and wondrous way you and dad loved our children, your 7 grandchildren.

Every child needs that. Every child should have that as a foundational memory in their bones. Our children have that forever.

And I believe, from the wonder in your voice as the sun poured over your sun-seeking face for the last time, you let yourself be loved like that too. (No more SPF-50 skin protection needed! Oh the things we can slough off at the end, to receive what matters most).

Johanna, Dad and I - and so, so many others of your many friends and loved ones—will hold your legacy with the total care it deserves. We’ll make sure dad has (verrrrrry occasional) salad and gets his steps in (10K/day! For extra credit, take your phone whe you loo loo skip to my loo!).

I hope you’re with your mom now, enjoying all the time you missed from her too early exit in a timeless arena where all the world’s a great play, and you have the best seats in the house.

And if you have any undue influence, tip the next election cycle in favour of humanity.

With all my heart born of yours and dad’s,

SARA